Too depressed to function

Posted in Uncategorized by macktivist on April 20, 2010

Secundus broke up for good on Sunday and now I am so depressed I just cannot function right now.


Soldiers with Kittehs

Posted in Uncategorized by macktivist on April 17, 2010

Whenever I look at old-timey war pictures, it’s so hard at times to think that “Hey, these are REAL people who lived over a hundred years ago”. But seeing them with kittehs suddenly humanizes then to me.

Soldier and Kitten

Dating situations

Posted in Uncategorized by macktivist on April 17, 2010

I went on a Coffee pre-date today. All of my friend know that I believe in having “pre-dates” that usually include getting coffee, as it’s cheap and non-creepy to ask pretty much anyone to go get coffee.

There’s a girl whom I found on OKC because of a funny post that she made in the blog section of her profile. We friended over facebook and even exchanged phone numbers. We’ve been trying to meet up up for over a month, but between her crazy work schedule and my illness over the last week we haven’t been able to meet up.

Well I met up with her today, but I don’t think that she was interested me as anything more then being friends. She’s been in my town for awhile, but she doesn’t seem to have many friends. I didn’t even get to talk to her about poly, but I’m sure that she isn’t interested in me.

Secundus is back-ish in the situation. I don’t know, I think we came to a compromise, although I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being “downgraded” or being put on probation of some kind. Update, nevermind

Traveling While Female

Posted in Uncategorized by macktivist on April 15, 2010

Even though I had been hospitalized on Sunday, and for the subsequent day since have felt like shit, (both due to my physical health and other dramatic goings on) yesterday I tried going to the one class I’m taking to graduate. Now this class is across town, so I need to take public transit to get there. On the best of days, when I’m feeling at my best, this hour plus long commute is draining.

I realized quickly on that I wouldn’t be able to stay through class, so I left very early. However, because of the way the transit system works, it took over an hour just to get to the transit center where I catch my second bus which can take up to forty minutes to bring me back to my neighborhood.

So, yesterday I’m sitting on the bench near where my bus is taking forever to be ready to leave. I have a pounding headache, and I am wondering if I am going to pass out then and there. Then, some guy gets in my face and starts asking me all these personal questions, clearly trying to chat me up. I respond with short, clipped, three-word-at-most sentences while wishing he’ll go away.

He seemed to realize I wasn’t having any of it and his face scrunched up in annoyance. “Hey, I was just trying to be nice…” He protests.

“I’m sorry, but I am not feeling well and I would rather not talk.” I say as firmly as my sick self can muster.

Obliviously annoyed, he stomps off. This has happened before at this bus station, where some guy continually tried to chat me up, first by charmingly screaming “Hey you!” while I was trying to get some water from the fountain, then him telling me his friend Phoenix knew me (I have never knew any one by that name ever) from, uh, that place, and, uh, do I want to, uh, hang out with him. In the bus depot.

Once-upon-a-time, I would have felt bad but now I don’t. Just because I am female, that does not make me the entertainment folder for any male individual. I do not have to flirt back with them or acknowledge their interest. After reading things like fugitivus’s post (which I sadly can’t locate right now) on how rape culture is bred into us by making women’s boundaries easily and commonly tread upon. Also, from Shapely Prose there is the classic post Schrodinger’s Rapist. I have boundaries and standards, and if you’re yelling at me across a street or “Just trying to be nice” while I wait for a bus, I am not going to reward you with flirting.

Dear Cis&Straight Poly/Kinky People – You are not Queer

Posted in Uncategorized by macktivist on April 15, 2010

Ugh, I’m dehydrated and sick, but this post has been cooking on the back-burner of my brain for awhile, and a post I read yesterday on a poly community brought this to the for front.

Dear Cis and Straight Poly/Kinky People,

No you cannot call yourself “queer”. I know that in all the hipster liberal alt communities it is cool to call yourself queer. The word Queer, for all of it’s sordid past, is actually a rather elegant sounding word . It has a “kw” sound at the beginning, which is rare in English, causing the mouth to pucker then draw back wide into a long “ee” and “r” sound.

Sorry for going into a linguistic nerdgasm for a second. Back to the point. The basics first, poly and kinky are not queer. There are no reports of poly/kinky people being dragged from cars because of what they do. Mobs do not dig up poly/kinky people and desecrate their graves. This is no such things a “poly/kinky panic” defense that people can make for killing a poly/kinky straight person. There have been time when people have argued that it is okay to kill someone just for them disclosing the fact they are LGBT.

Yes, there are some way in which and can be hard to be poly/kinky in today’s sex-negative culture. Yes, in some communities and jobs people can become penalized for this. But never to the extent that queer people have to face.

Also, the overall poly/kinky communities are not queer. Some may be queer-friendly in some ways, but a lot of the mores of the poly/kinky communities are a microcosm of mainstream straight culture- such as swinging clubs/dungeons/poly groups that frown on any male-male sexual contact but encourage females to get it on because males think it’s hot, and couples with OPPs. To me that is outright saying male-male sex is scary and disturbing while female-female sex isn’t even “real sex” and therefore a harmless distraction. And where does this leave people of ambiguous genders/sexes, whether it’s mental or physical? That is not queer friendly.

I think that straight and cis people in the poly/kinky community who want to co-opt the term queer need to get over their persecution complex, and actually help the queer community gain rights and protections, rather than try to sneak in the back.

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This may be the exit of Secundus

Posted in Uncategorized by macktivist on April 13, 2010

…And honestly? I’m not sure if I care.

Secundus has decided to blame me for trying to make myself “an obligation” to him by, um, becoming so sick I had to go to the hospital. After five months of dating he “wasn’t ready” for me to become sick. He also is throwing out all the rules we had made because he went on two dates with a 19 year old girl and doesn’t want me to meet her because he is afraid I might not like her.

These are all rules that HE HIMSELF pushed for, but do as I say not as I do I guess. This is sleazy, desperate side of him I guess I refused to see before.

This situation reminded me of a quote I read in Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up. One poly person talked about how people who seemed to think that poly people were just about using “normal” people for sex, usually turned out to be the people who most cruelly treat and then leave poly people. I feel like that was Secundus’s downfall, he was so obsessed that I would never treat him right because I already had Primus. And then he goes and pulls this shit on me. Classic.

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Airlines: Because fatphobia isn’t enough

Posted in Uncategorized by macktivist on April 13, 2010

While I was looking at someting of my disability comms, and I came across this story . This is disgusting, but I’m not surprised. Airlines are notoriously fatphobic , and this just shows that they are are willing to keep on hurting people who already treated as crap by mainstream society because no one will do anything to stop them.

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Probably TL;DR- My hospital stay

Posted in Uncategorized by macktivist on April 13, 2010

(In this and from now on, I’m referring to the Primary as Primus and the Secondary as Secundus.)

I was hospitalized on Sunday because I couldn’t speak without extreme pain and I couldn’t swallow.

Secundus drove me there. He had spent the whole night with me; in which I had woken up every hour like clockwork, with the same headache and sore throat I had for hours. Sometimes I would go into the bathroom and throw up the Emergen-C that he had given me. When the morning had come, he made three separate trips to the pharmacy. The first time, he got me allergy pills. I stared at the box incredulously. “How am I supposed to swallow these? And I don’t think this is an allergy..” I started to tear up thinking about trying to swallow. Secundus sighed and looked annoyed. I texted Primus, telling him I wished he was there to help me. He said, “I’ll be there soon kitty.”

When he came back he had some thermflu powder. He made me some of it by pouring it into a cup with cold water. I drank some, then read the back of the box. “It says this needs to be warm…”. He sighed and shuffled to the kitchenette to warm it up. “I think I might need to go to the hospital…” Sigh again. “No, you’ll be fine.”

Three hours later, the throat was worse and my head was pounding. “I REALLY think I need to go to the hospital” I whispered as forcefully as I could. “No I’ll go to the store again…”.

By the time he came back, I was in tears. He reluctantly drove me to UMC, claiming that he didn’t know how to get there, even though he drove down Campbell daily.

When I turned in my sheet to the desk at the Urgent Care, an alarm went off in the hospital. All the orderlies shooed us into the parking lot. My throat hurt so much at this point I could only communicate with the Secondary though my phone- I would type a comment in the text message box and show the phone to him.

When we got back inside, they quickly called my name. Secundus came back with me, and I was subject to the various vitals tests- which all came back normal although I couldn’t talk or swallow and my head was pounding. The triage nurse asked me questions so fast I couldn’t type them out, I had to whisper the answers. He seemingly randomly asked me about domestic violence.

Secundus left me there, saying he needed to freshen up. They brought me into another room, and made lie in one those narrow crib hospital beds. I was given a blanket. Thirty minutes passed.

A very pregnant doctor came in and started asking me questions. She checked my ears and throat. She seemed uninterested in my pains, telling me my vitals “were fine”. I started to think that she wasn’t believing me toward the end of the exam. As I started to tear up, she looked at me and said “What’s really wrong?”, no doubt expecting me to go into some DV sob story. When I told her it was the pain, she left. Forty minutes passed.

While alone in the room I starting texting Primus anxiously. He was driving back from his plane flight to Phoenix. As I texted, I started crying hysterically. As I was crying, an even more pregnant orderly came and asked me about my emergency contacts. She never looked at my face, which was probably all puffy, swollen, and red. I don’t cry pretty.

A second doctor came in, and asked my why I was crying. I told her it was the pain. She got me some new, warm blankets, and told me a nurse would be there soon. He came in and gave me three shot-like containers of medicine, and made me drink a syringe (minus the needle of course) of what he told me was the anti-inflammatory steroid. After taking these, the headache I had for almost twenty hours started to wear off. I dozed comfortably in my bed.

Then Secundus appeared. I was groggy because of the medicine, but I felt so relieved to see him.

“So are you going to do this every time I leave for the weekend?” He playfully smiled as he kissed and hugged me.

I was too groggy for banter, but we chitchatted a bit as my voice started to come back. After a while the nurse came back to take me for x-rays of my throat for some reason. As he was wheeling me out, we passed a surprised Secundus, dressed differently then he was hours ago when he left me there. I told him the nurse had said visitors should just stay in the room.

When I was wheeled back into the room, Primus and Secundus were talking. We all talked for a then Primus said he needed to grab something to eat since he had rushed to Tucson from Phoenix to see me. Secundus and I made awkward small talk, wherein he blamed his mother and Amy as reasons he couldn’t have helped since he was so used before. We made awkward small talk about transhumanism.

Primus then came back, and Secundus left. Primus brought me home after awhile and we cuddled.

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Unworking ethic.

Posted in Uncategorized by macktivist on April 9, 2010

Day two of the Primary being in Berkeley. It seems that he is becoming more sure that he wants to go there. I want him to have a place he really wants to go, I’m just scared of somethings. I’m scared of him being so far away, I’m scared he’ll decide that having a primary in another state is too difficult, I’m scared that we’ll make it through the three years apart but will drown in debt from both of our post-collegiate scholastic ventures.

Secondary stayed over last night. We decided that it would be best if we stayed at my and Erik’s place, as there has been bad blood between me and ex he lives with. He’s convinced my roommates (who actually live in the main house as opposed to the guest house the Primary and I rent) think that I’m having an affair with him because he parked his car in the drive way. They probably do, but they are the Primary’s friends and not mine, so that’s up to him to talk to them about.

I’m all alone right now. There are probably a billion things that I should be doing, like ohhh– exercising, getting my paper signed to graduate, get my bike fixed — but the internet is more fun.

Edit Later:
I’m at my school’s campus, as I walked here to get my graduation papers signed. Looks like I’ll have to wait until next week AGAIN, as the advisors are closed. Well, at least I’m getting the exercise I keep on saying I’m going to do. I am being tempted by the thought of buying some veggie sushi…

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High Fructose Corn Shit

Posted in Uncategorized by macktivist on April 8, 2010

My Primary left last night; he drove to my parent’s house in Phoenix, stayed the night, and was driven very early in the morning to the airport by my dad. I’m missing him already.

My insomnia was pretty bad last night without him. I know it sound saccharine, to say, but once you get used to sharing a bed with someone and cuddling up to them every night, it feels like there’s no reason to go to bed. That kicked me in the butt this morning as I didn’t wake up until 11ish.

I went to the store today, as my benefits start on the 7th of every month. I got some Arizona Ice Tea, because it was so on sale. After drinking some on the walk home, I realized that they put HFCS. Now I’m not one of those people who think it will give me autism or something, but I do know that it is shit for your body. So when I got home I poured out on the ground the offending liquid, and later returned the other container I had bought. If I have to be a fatty, I want to be a fatty from eating nutritious food, not over processed shit.

I have been thinking a lot about gender and my own identity, more later.

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